Just a little bit about me

I am a single mother of one - a 12 year old sweetheart/demon child.  I struggle with parenting daily as this was something that I never aspired to be...It just kinda happened.  I swore I was going to be that "special aunt" that never had kids but loved her godbabies as if they were hers.  Clearly that wasn't meant to be, but for the most part, I love the struggle.

When I look back at my life, I am quite thankful for the opportunities I was granted.  My parents were both teens when I was conceived and obviously lacked knowledge of how to raise a child.  Sadly, my mother was so young and very naive to the point where prior to my conception, she did not even know thats how babies were made.  I guess education was different back then, or maybe she just chose to focus on other things instead of learning.  Either way, Im here.

Growing up was difficult for me, and still is.  I had lived with my Nana (paternal) until I was 7 years old going 8.  Then I was sent to live with my mother.  My mother was still unstable at the time, but it was something that needed to be done, I guess.  After a short while after moving with my mom, she met a great guy, who she later married and he stood as my father figure until I was 15 years old.  He was the best father any girl could ask for.  He was attentive, he loved teaching me new things, He included me in almost everything they did together, despite my mother's resentment of it.  My mother was not as loving toward me growing up.  She always treated me as if I was her curse for having sex at a young age.  If you look at it, I guess I kinda was.  We (my mother and I) never had a good relationship.  We hardly ever talked to each other unless it was me demanding some affection or attention from her and her pushing me away or forcing whatever she wanted me to do - on me.  I hated her as a child, but I love her unconditionally now that I have grown and understand her struggles at a young age.  Life wasn't easy or good to her until now.  She has forgiven her past and understands now that it wasn't really her fault.....I have too.

So now, I am all grown up. In 3 years I will be 40.  I can say the last 18 years have been progressive but for some reason I feel stunted.  I played around in Highschool - did not graduate.  At 17, went to community college for two years earned a General Secretary certificate, work at various places seeking job satisfaction, but never found it, had my son at 25, went to go off to University at 26, completed my degrees in (1) Economics and (2) Management Science at 32. Moved back home because my son hated the US.  I am working as an Assistant Underwriter at an Insurance Company and I still have that feeling that there is something more out there for me......But I cant see it.  I see the door but I'm not sure what's behind it and it's a huge maze in front of me just to get to the door handle.  When its time, God will show me the way once I tread through the bullshit in my personal life and I am ready to take this new direction head on.

Speaking of my personal life, it is clouded with so much bullshit, I don't know where to begin.  However, I can say that I am bi-sexual.  A vast majority refuse to believe it is possible to be attracted equally to both sexes and it's either one or the other.  I must be an exception to the rule. I am attracted to females just as easily as I am to a male.  I am turned off by a female, just as easily as I am with a male.  The same qualities that may turn me on with a male, can be done just as easily by a female - attractive, independent, intelligent, sexy ass body and the I could go on and on.  I cant explain why I am like this but I am.  The pool of good men is small, but the pool of good women is pretty big.  So I could say I lean more toward being a lesbian, but I could not see myself involved with a woman and never feel a man's penis inside me ever again.  It doesn't really make sense to make excuses because this is definitely my choice.

It was a very difficult choice to make, don't get me wrong.  I cried many days and nights because I was in love with a female and for the life of me could not understand how or why.  I vowed to never fall in love again, because I had been hurt more than once before. It sickened me to lust for this person with the same genetic combination as I.  Yet, I fell deeper and deeper in love with her. I denied my feelings for as long as I could because I did not want to get hurt,  ironically, once I let my guard down, she broke my heart.  So now I am in limbo...trying to decide which way I want to go next..... Male <---> Female <--->Solo...It is very difficult to forgive and forget.  I can ignore the shit out of something until it seemingly goes away, but I never forgive when I feel I have been wronged or deceived.  It gets lonely sometimes, but then the memories of the pain and the tears come flowing back.

On top of the emotional struggle, I have a child and my family who for whatever reason care about what others think.  They question my sexuality but have not asked me about it.  I get the sidetalk, the subliminal comments but if I am not asked the right question, I will not give the right answer.  So as I struggle to find the will to talk to my family, I struggle with recovering from my heartbreak, which may break my heart again if they are not accepting of my lifestyle.  It is an ongoing & constant battle between who I am, and who I should be.  Once I find true peace with my life choice, then maybe I will be able to focus on where my next 'adventure' will be.