As I mentioned before, I do not know how to forgive. When someone cheats on you, regardless of whether you take that person back or not, if they remain in your life for whatever reason, you still never ever really trust them. My lack of trust is so deep that I wouldn't even trust that person with my vaseline and my washcloths unless I was in the room. So sad. I need to work that shit out! One day, I will see that not every person that hurts you, set out purposely to do so. It just wont be TOday. So as I retire for the night, Im going to bed angry. Im angry at myself for being angry over something that I can not control, should have no need to control or (to be totally honest) even care about enough to be angry. The things that strike a nerve with me baffle me. There are no two days alike. What I may have been okay with yesterday, or last week this time, could piss me off so much and send me in a tantrum today or tomorrow
I think I need to talk to God about this one cause my unbalanced emotions could give anyone involved motion sickness, self included. - Anyway doe! Night bloggers
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
When u ASSUME, u make an ASS out of U & ME
I go to a new dentist now *yay me*, I went for my first visit last week. After about 45 mins of nearly being talked to death by the hygeniest while getting my teeth and gums cleaned , I proceeded to the reception desk to pay. I had taken out $200 off the atm machine at the gas station on my way to the appointment to pay for the visit. Im on this new iniative to save money by not having my money on my checking account because for some reason, every time I get paid, I slip into this alternate reality where I think I can swipe my card like it has an unlimited spending limit. ...anyway, the fee was was $185. Okay fine! I go in my wallet and I have $140...o_0..wtf?....oh wait, didn't you buy 2 packs of cigarettes, wine gums AND gummie worms at the gas station on the way to the Dentists?? FUCK! I had no idea what was on my checking account but I gave the receptionist my card to swipe anyway...it DECLINED...lucky for me, I dont get embarrassed easily, besides I knew I had the money, it just wasnt on my checking account. So i told the receptionist I would have to go to the atm and come back. She said fine, just bring me correct money....*since when ATM give out $5 bills? Dont bore me lady!* so I said OK and left - walked in the heat, sweating my ass off just to go to the bank machine and get $50. I get back to the office and she asks me, "Did you go inside the bank to find out why your card declined?" I was like "No, its no money on the swipe account" So she says to me "well that was embarrassing, dont you care?" I laughed and said "embarrassing for who? You have to care what people think in order to feel embarrassed. Just because someone's card declines it doesnt necessarily mean they have no money"....all she could say was "Oh"....I could tell she was baffled by my response...smdh! Isnt if funny how people always think the worst?
The Truth Shall Set U Free
Ok, so I have shared my blog with a few friends. I received all positive feedback :) *Thanks guys*..Now I know people are wondering how I could have released a very personal secret, but I asked myself, was it really a secret? No, I dont wear tee shirts with rainbows all over em, but I do like colors..subliminal giveaway, maybe? Lol! No but serioulsy, though..those close to me have already been told..well except my family of course, but I dont know if I need to, I want to so that the whispering will stop. Its sooo highschool. Besides, deep down I have this conspiracy theory that Im the way I am through some genetic inheritance... from whom, I really cant tell and the chances of the 'culprit' revealing who they are are slim to negative slim. Too much pride. I on the other dont give a fuck anymore!
My Life on the Truman Show
Have you ever felt as if you were an extra or maybe even the main star of a reality show like the Truman show? Every day I leave my house, there is an audience outside as if they are waiting to see what I am wearing, what I will do as I exit my batcave (or from what I have heard alot of orgies go on at my house) or who else will be exiting the building along side me. If they are outside chatting, they stop briefly. The men act as if they are undressing me with their eyes and the woman stare with curiousity and sometimes irritation in their eyes. I just dont get it.
I wish all of the sexy stories people told about me were true.. People have created so many pictures of what goes on behind my front door and just cropped me in....meanwhile Im inside bored as fuck. Siiggghhhh!
I wish all of the sexy stories people told about me were true.. People have created so many pictures of what goes on behind my front door and just cropped me in....meanwhile Im inside bored as fuck. Siiggghhhh!
Morning sweat
This morning was a good morning. I woke up before my alarm went off, got dressed, drove to pick up my friend and headed to the gym. When we arrived we seemed to be the only ones however, a white lady had appeared out of no where. - rats! We greeted each other cordially and went about our business.
My friend and I had an awesome work out, I felt like I had just burned off like 10 lbs after running for 10 minutes so I decided to get on the scale. To my disappointment my weight had increased - FUCK! That's those damn chicken wings and pizza I ate 4 times last week. Oh well. I went back to the treadmill and continued to power walk for 25 more minutes. As I looked at myself in the mirror, stroking with 3lb weights in each hand, I kept drifting off into my peripheral view. My friend was on the next treadmill running...sweating..looking so athletic...it was such a fucking turn on.
Ive made up my mind, we will fuck at least once in the gym before this gym link up ends.
My friend and I had an awesome work out, I felt like I had just burned off like 10 lbs after running for 10 minutes so I decided to get on the scale. To my disappointment my weight had increased - FUCK! That's those damn chicken wings and pizza I ate 4 times last week. Oh well. I went back to the treadmill and continued to power walk for 25 more minutes. As I looked at myself in the mirror, stroking with 3lb weights in each hand, I kept drifting off into my peripheral view. My friend was on the next treadmill running...sweating..looking so athletic...it was such a fucking turn on.
Ive made up my mind, we will fuck at least once in the gym before this gym link up ends.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Just a little bit about me
I am a single mother of one - a 12 year old sweetheart/demon child. I struggle with parenting daily as this was something that I never aspired to be...It just kinda happened. I swore I was going to be that "special aunt" that never had kids but loved her godbabies as if they were hers. Clearly that wasn't meant to be, but for the most part, I love the struggle.
When I look back at my life, I am quite thankful for the opportunities I was granted. My parents were both teens when I was conceived and obviously lacked knowledge of how to raise a child. Sadly, my mother was so young and very naive to the point where prior to my conception, she did not even know thats how babies were made. I guess education was different back then, or maybe she just chose to focus on other things instead of learning. Either way, Im here.
Growing up was difficult for me, and still is. I had lived with my Nana (paternal) until I was 7 years old going 8. Then I was sent to live with my mother. My mother was still unstable at the time, but it was something that needed to be done, I guess. After a short while after moving with my mom, she met a great guy, who she later married and he stood as my father figure until I was 15 years old. He was the best father any girl could ask for. He was attentive, he loved teaching me new things, He included me in almost everything they did together, despite my mother's resentment of it. My mother was not as loving toward me growing up. She always treated me as if I was her curse for having sex at a young age. If you look at it, I guess I kinda was. We (my mother and I) never had a good relationship. We hardly ever talked to each other unless it was me demanding some affection or attention from her and her pushing me away or forcing whatever she wanted me to do - on me. I hated her as a child, but I love her unconditionally now that I have grown and understand her struggles at a young age. Life wasn't easy or good to her until now. She has forgiven her past and understands now that it wasn't really her fault.....I have too.
So now, I am all grown up. In 3 years I will be 40. I can say the last 18 years have been progressive but for some reason I feel stunted. I played around in Highschool - did not graduate. At 17, went to community college for two years earned a General Secretary certificate, work at various places seeking job satisfaction, but never found it, had my son at 25, went to go off to University at 26, completed my degrees in (1) Economics and (2) Management Science at 32. Moved back home because my son hated the US. I am working as an Assistant Underwriter at an Insurance Company and I still have that feeling that there is something more out there for me......But I cant see it. I see the door but I'm not sure what's behind it and it's a huge maze in front of me just to get to the door handle. When its time, God will show me the way once I tread through the bullshit in my personal life and I am ready to take this new direction head on.
Speaking of my personal life, it is clouded with so much bullshit, I don't know where to begin. However, I can say that I am bi-sexual. A vast majority refuse to believe it is possible to be attracted equally to both sexes and it's either one or the other. I must be an exception to the rule. I am attracted to females just as easily as I am to a male. I am turned off by a female, just as easily as I am with a male. The same qualities that may turn me on with a male, can be done just as easily by a female - attractive, independent, intelligent, sexy ass body and the I could go on and on. I cant explain why I am like this but I am. The pool of good men is small, but the pool of good women is pretty big. So I could say I lean more toward being a lesbian, but I could not see myself involved with a woman and never feel a man's penis inside me ever again. It doesn't really make sense to make excuses because this is definitely my choice.
It was a very difficult choice to make, don't get me wrong. I cried many days and nights because I was in love with a female and for the life of me could not understand how or why. I vowed to never fall in love again, because I had been hurt more than once before. It sickened me to lust for this person with the same genetic combination as I. Yet, I fell deeper and deeper in love with her. I denied my feelings for as long as I could because I did not want to get hurt, ironically, once I let my guard down, she broke my heart. So now I am in limbo...trying to decide which way I want to go next..... Male <---> Female <--->Solo...It is very difficult to forgive and forget. I can ignore the shit out of something until it seemingly goes away, but I never forgive when I feel I have been wronged or deceived. It gets lonely sometimes, but then the memories of the pain and the tears come flowing back.
On top of the emotional struggle, I have a child and my family who for whatever reason care about what others think. They question my sexuality but have not asked me about it. I get the sidetalk, the subliminal comments but if I am not asked the right question, I will not give the right answer. So as I struggle to find the will to talk to my family, I struggle with recovering from my heartbreak, which may break my heart again if they are not accepting of my lifestyle. It is an ongoing & constant battle between who I am, and who I should be. Once I find true peace with my life choice, then maybe I will be able to focus on where my next 'adventure' will be.
When I look back at my life, I am quite thankful for the opportunities I was granted. My parents were both teens when I was conceived and obviously lacked knowledge of how to raise a child. Sadly, my mother was so young and very naive to the point where prior to my conception, she did not even know thats how babies were made. I guess education was different back then, or maybe she just chose to focus on other things instead of learning. Either way, Im here.
Growing up was difficult for me, and still is. I had lived with my Nana (paternal) until I was 7 years old going 8. Then I was sent to live with my mother. My mother was still unstable at the time, but it was something that needed to be done, I guess. After a short while after moving with my mom, she met a great guy, who she later married and he stood as my father figure until I was 15 years old. He was the best father any girl could ask for. He was attentive, he loved teaching me new things, He included me in almost everything they did together, despite my mother's resentment of it. My mother was not as loving toward me growing up. She always treated me as if I was her curse for having sex at a young age. If you look at it, I guess I kinda was. We (my mother and I) never had a good relationship. We hardly ever talked to each other unless it was me demanding some affection or attention from her and her pushing me away or forcing whatever she wanted me to do - on me. I hated her as a child, but I love her unconditionally now that I have grown and understand her struggles at a young age. Life wasn't easy or good to her until now. She has forgiven her past and understands now that it wasn't really her fault.....I have too.
So now, I am all grown up. In 3 years I will be 40. I can say the last 18 years have been progressive but for some reason I feel stunted. I played around in Highschool - did not graduate. At 17, went to community college for two years earned a General Secretary certificate, work at various places seeking job satisfaction, but never found it, had my son at 25, went to go off to University at 26, completed my degrees in (1) Economics and (2) Management Science at 32. Moved back home because my son hated the US. I am working as an Assistant Underwriter at an Insurance Company and I still have that feeling that there is something more out there for me......But I cant see it. I see the door but I'm not sure what's behind it and it's a huge maze in front of me just to get to the door handle. When its time, God will show me the way once I tread through the bullshit in my personal life and I am ready to take this new direction head on.
Speaking of my personal life, it is clouded with so much bullshit, I don't know where to begin. However, I can say that I am bi-sexual. A vast majority refuse to believe it is possible to be attracted equally to both sexes and it's either one or the other. I must be an exception to the rule. I am attracted to females just as easily as I am to a male. I am turned off by a female, just as easily as I am with a male. The same qualities that may turn me on with a male, can be done just as easily by a female - attractive, independent, intelligent, sexy ass body and the I could go on and on. I cant explain why I am like this but I am. The pool of good men is small, but the pool of good women is pretty big. So I could say I lean more toward being a lesbian, but I could not see myself involved with a woman and never feel a man's penis inside me ever again. It doesn't really make sense to make excuses because this is definitely my choice.
It was a very difficult choice to make, don't get me wrong. I cried many days and nights because I was in love with a female and for the life of me could not understand how or why. I vowed to never fall in love again, because I had been hurt more than once before. It sickened me to lust for this person with the same genetic combination as I. Yet, I fell deeper and deeper in love with her. I denied my feelings for as long as I could because I did not want to get hurt, ironically, once I let my guard down, she broke my heart. So now I am in limbo...trying to decide which way I want to go next..... Male <---> Female <--->Solo...It is very difficult to forgive and forget. I can ignore the shit out of something until it seemingly goes away, but I never forgive when I feel I have been wronged or deceived. It gets lonely sometimes, but then the memories of the pain and the tears come flowing back.
On top of the emotional struggle, I have a child and my family who for whatever reason care about what others think. They question my sexuality but have not asked me about it. I get the sidetalk, the subliminal comments but if I am not asked the right question, I will not give the right answer. So as I struggle to find the will to talk to my family, I struggle with recovering from my heartbreak, which may break my heart again if they are not accepting of my lifestyle. It is an ongoing & constant battle between who I am, and who I should be. Once I find true peace with my life choice, then maybe I will be able to focus on where my next 'adventure' will be.
I'm new to this
I'm always open to trying something new. I have so many things go through my mind daily and I guess im looking for a place to release them.....so here goes.
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